A few weeks back I had the first dream since Aaron died in which he appeared.

It was brief but very vivid. It took place in a location very much like a college. I was standing in a hallway with other people looking through a window down into a kitchen where Aaron stood by the dish washer. He was dressed up in a white shirt a vest and a bowtie. I had the feeling that he was involved in a Madrigal dinner or a similar type of event in which he was a part of a larger group that was putting on some kind of show or production.

When I waved at him Aaron acknowledged my presence with a nod of the head and a gesture as if to say “Dad I’m busy here I’ll see you later.” Of course the other feeling that I had was that – true to form – Aaron was somewhat shy and embarrassed at the attention he was receiving and was giving me a sign that he knew I was there and that he would see me later.

When I woke up the illusion of Aaron being alive again vanished and I felt very sad. It was painful because I had fooled myself (in the dream) into thinking that he was still alive and that it was absolutely normal for me to be seeing him and feeling that everything was okay with him. However as I have reflected back on the dream it seems like it truly was a communication with Aaron. The glass separating me from him represents the veil between this world and the next. In his gestures towards me and his involvement in an activity Aaron was telling me that he is “okay” and engaged in meaningful pursuits in the next life. The idea that he was involved in some kind of production in the next life hearkens back to Shakespeare:

All the world's a stage

And all the men and women merely players:

They have their exits and their entrances;

And one man in his time plays many parts . . .

Finally the feeling that I would see him later was an acknowledgment that all life is transitory that although it was not yet my time to be reunited with him that this time will come.

I think Aaron has passed over now; I think his spirit lingered for quite a while given many of the strange events that happened following his death and the depth of our grief at his loss which he tried to comfort with signs that his spirit persisted. But I don't think his spirit is earthbound any more. In death we rejoin with the biggest part of ourselves again. Aaron has done that now.

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No Birth, No Death

No birth, no death, no caste have I.

No birth, no death, no caste have I.

Father, mother, have I none.

Father, mother, have I none.

I am He. I am He: blessed Spirit. I am He.

I am He. I am He: blessed Spirit. I am He.

Mind, nor intellect, nor ego, chit-ta;*

sky, nor earth, nor metals am I.

I am He. I am He: blessed Spirit. I am He.

I am He. I am He: blessed Spirit. I am He.

__________

I am He

Mind, nor intellect, nor ego, feeling;
Sky nor earth nor metals am I.

I am He, I am He, Blessed spirit, I am He!

No birth, no death, no caste have I;
Father, mother, have I none.

I am He, I am He, Blessed spirit, I am He!

Beyond the flights of fancy, formless am I,
Permeating the limbs of all life;
Bondage I do not fear; I am free, ever free.

I am He, I am He, Blessed spirit, I am He!

-- Adi Shankaracharya

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I just want to wish you the best and tell you that I am so sorry for your loss.  Thank you for the web site and I do hope that it will help others.

Mike T.

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It Wasn't My Intention

Another day to wonder,
another day to mourn,
It wasn't my intention,
to go before the coming dawn.

My pain was deep within my heart,
and in my troubled head.
It wasn't my intention,
To go with words unsaid.

My frame of mind seemed normal,
or so I heard them say.
It wasn't my intention,
Not to see another Day.

I didn't mean to make you suffer,
or cause you so much pain.
It wasn't my intention,
to never see you again.

Despair and confusion,
Left my aching mind unsure,
It wasn't my intention,
To suddenly close life's door.

If only I could give you reasons,
and brush the tears away,
It wasn't my intention,
To leave you and not to stay.

I did not mean for you to grieve,
Now left alone to cry;
It wasn't my intention to leave you,
forever asking why.

As the burden of this life's worries,
Slowly disolve from my heart,
Know it wasn't my intention,
To tear you soul apart.

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Arms of the Angels 

Sarah McLachlan 

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it OK
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction or a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you feel
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the Angel, may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escape one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you feel
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the Angel, may you find some comfort here

In the arms of the Angel, may you find some comfort here 



We are all missing Aaron at Christmas, 2007.

Song added on 12-25-07.

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I did not realize the significance of the lyrics from the song that Tim Johnson posted, until I read the following in a review of the Pennywise album on which it appears:

Full Circle was released a year after the suicide of Pennywise founding-member Jason Thirsk. The band contemplated breaking up, but decided to finish the album that was underway at the time of Thirsk’s death. Randy Bradbury stepped in to become the permanent bassist and Pennywise-post-Jason was born. Tragedy can inspire and unite like few other things . . .

Bro Hymn. It had to be. The song Jason wrote. A song about brotherhood, friendship, and the poignant line "Life is the most precious thing you can lose". Bro Hymn Tribute is probably the best version of the song the band has done. Not because it’s played flawlessly (it's sloppy and not everyone's in sync at various points) or the recording was brilliant, but because the feeling in the song is unmatched. When Justin Thirsk (Jason’s brother) gets on the mic, you can hear the emotion being stuffed down the microphone and out of our speakers. He is half-screaming half-crying when he roars “Jason, my brother, this one’s for you…”. And of course there had to be an encore. Then another one. Dragging on for five minutes, it’s a legendary Punk song and certainly the most recognizable Pennywise song ever. It’s the perfect ending to an album that is in many ways a tribute album to Jason.

http://www.sputnikmusic.com/album.php?reviewid=11764

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On Friday, April 27th, Ben Schoenebeck sent me an e-mail message, saying that Dave Bayer had just called him to tell him the news of Aaron's death.  Ben and Dave were Aaron's roommates at the University of Wisconsin at LaCrosse.

Ben wrote:

"Every so often we would wonder how Aaron was doing and we would try to find him somehow through the internet. We only heard from him twice since he left LaCrosse, but we always wanted to just get in a car and drive to Peoria to try to find him. Dave was looking for Aaron again online and found the memorial site.  As you know he was a wonderful person.

I have a few pictures I would like to send to you. Hopefully it will help somehow. Our Sophomore year we put together a video with all of our friends skate boarding, I would also like to send that."

The CD with the pictures and the video arrived in the mail today, along with a bonus -- a song that Dave and Ben wrote for Aaron, which I have posted on this web site.  I have posted some of the photos Ben sent in the photo album, too.  

Here is Ben's explanation of some of the photos and the song:

"Aaron was really excited when he first got his trimmer so we documented his entire experience cutting his hair by himself in the dorms . . .

Also, Dave and I nominated him for roommate of the month one month, and somehow whoever was handing out the prizes mixed up the 'roommate of the month' and the 'student of the month' awards. So when Aaron . . . showed up to our door and saw the 'student of the month' award. Dave and I knew what happened, but he was completely clueless . . .

I also put on a song that Dave and I wrote about Aaron Sophmore year. We always gave him a hard time for listening to his hardcore music and we thought he needed to hear something a little happier, so we wrote him a love song. Sometimes I play guitar shows for the YMCA or some elementary schools around the area and I always preface this song with, 'This is a song I wrote about one of my friends in college.' Everyone thinks it's a song about a girl, but I guess that's what makes it fun."

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